Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Zombie Plan

Ok here is my plan: First I would gather my supplies at home. I would put on light clothing, my gasmask, and comfortable shoes. Then my black duster to make myself look BA. Then I would throw in my laptop, chargers, and copy of I am Americ...a and So Can You! in a messanger bag. This is when I would be prepared to leave. First I would walk over to my french doors and break the glass, thus taking a larger peice and putting it in my pocket. Then I would head out on foot with cars being so difficult and most roads blocked with broken ones and the bodies of fools. I would head to the Nevada Gun Exchange by running through the appartments and homes using the cries of inoccents to attract the zombies away from my silent steps. When I get to the store it will be locked. I will go around and use the back entrence to the build complex to get to their side door. I will knock three times and announce I am alive and not bittens. After much acting and crying, the employee that was there during the outbreak will let me in. I will thank this person with a desperate hug and when that person shares the embrace I will take the peice of glass out of my pocket and stab them in the jugular. After shoving them to the ground and dragging the corpse outside, I would have a haven for guns. I would gather two pistols with holders, a m4 carbine which I would attach a bayonett to and enough ammo to fill the rest of my messanger bag. I would also find a machette in the back room under the .22 boxed ammo to the right that would serve as my most used killing tool ala Book of Eli. I would then exit leaving the door open for any group of four to come in and find their share of guns and the new laser sight attachments in this gam...I mean shippment. That is the point that I would run to the local animal shelter. Now you may ask, "Why?" Well shut the fuck up because I am explaining everything right now so stop interupting. The trip would be uneventful except a gas station I would need to blow up to make a distraction. Very cliche. After the zombies rush to the noise I would sneak down back alleys to get to where I was going. After a few heads removed from some zombies and/or people who piss me off, I would reach the Animal Shelter. At this point I would secure it down with the large bars they have in case of rabies outbreaks, which ironically caused this whole mess. I would stay there for three days and two nights doing what I needed, which in this case would be taking a lot of horse tranquilizer. After getting drugged out of my mind, I would then wake up on the third night next to a operating bed full of blood and a sheet covering something big. I would at that point freak out, and take more tranquilizer. The next morning I would gather my balls and take off the sheet to find three rottweilers sewn together mouth to ass. This would seem strange to me but on reading the warning label for the durgs they did mention this in the side effects. As I pondered my ability to preform surgery, I would feel somewhat shamed and take the creature as a pet. I would name it "Steve" because every three-dog creature is named Steve, thats just how it fucking is. After teaching Steve to fetch I would teach it to kill. A small step in my mind. Thus me and Steve would head out to my final destination: an old silo on the outskirts of Reno. This would serve as my home until the outbreak comes to an end. I would make a car out of spare parts that looks exactly like the one in Road Warrior. This would serve me as I would make raids to all the local walmarts and starbucks in the area. I wouldn't get supplies from them, but burn them down as this new world could do without the ultimate evils. Thus food would come from local wildlife and canned food with my supply of drugs constantly full for those long nights. After a while life would become a balance of kickass action sequences and drug-filled bad ideas. One day I would find people knocking on my silo door asking to be let in. After many "Go the fuck aways" and "Wait are there any girls I can bang because the porn on my laptop is getting old"...s...I would figure out they were actually raiders. As learned from playing Fallout 3 for the past few months (This game is so modern!) I would do what only a rational person would do. I would sneak out the back door and throw a pack of c4 at them and do the cool "turn around and not look back during the explosion" thing. After the explosion I would then turn around and look at my handy work. These raiders were poised for an all out rape/murdering of myself and I could tell. I would then look at the burning bus they came in to find the words "School" written on the side and realize that these were some small raiders. I would laugh and kick a body screaming "Never mess with the best!" and go back into my home to take more drugs and pet my freakish monster pet. Life would continue on as thus with the need to move after Reno got nuked and my supply of tranqs can out in Carson. I would set out on the road to a little town in Canada where I could just sit back and enjoy the new world.