Wednesday, October 28, 2009

While we are on topic....

TOP 10 WAYS I WILL (Probably) DIE

1. Raptors

2. Polar Bears

3. Insane stunt done to impress hot chick(s)

4. Insane stunt done out of boredom

5. Magnet ripping out my metal heart

6. Not giving into a robber's demands

7. Brian's driving

8. Overestimating my opponent

9. Trying to play hero

10. Too much sex? (Please?)

This is why I don't fly in Africa....

Found on your friendly College Humor site

Friday, October 23, 2009


1. Mauled to death by raptors
2. Raped to death by trees
3. Acid Hawk
4. Mauled to death by Polar Bears
5. Gunned down by Polar Bears
6. Burning to death
7. Drowning
8. Bleeding to Death
9. Clowns
10. Mauled to death by kittens

Monday, October 19, 2009

Best Horror Story EVER

As you all know, I read a lot of articles from

If you have not been there, go there. NOW

This applies to be previous post on my novel idea as this is the best horror idea ever. I will write my novel and this because they both are so damn epic.

"The story takes place 200 years after the original, in 2097, when the earth has been overrun by zombies. Dracula rises from the grave, knowing he has to restore the race of vampires to the planet. However, he finds his bite has a strange effect on the zombies: They are immediately imbued with the ancient vampire martial art of Chainkata (a.k.a. fighting with chainsaws).

As Dracula's growing vampire zombie chainsaw army leaves a trail of hacked limbs across the land, he soon clashes with a new threat: A horde of human refugees who have survived the 70-year zombie war thanks to nothing more than their wits and gigantic mechanized battle suits."

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My Novel


It is the distant future where nations are on the edge of war. The reasons are meaningless, purely human ones. A mass arms buildup is underway as countries scramble to the top. Third world countries fight to become first, superpowers fight for land or resources and others just try to keep what they have. Politics break down as pacts are completely forgotten as a dog-eat-dog world becomes an apparent reality.

Early in the war, atomic bombs prove to be useless. The superpowers understand the problems faced with using them and halt any serious use of them and small countries that do try and use them are quickly bombed in fear of them doing anything rash. Grids are set up to protect larger areas from nuclear attack and soon all countries are able to properly defend themselves to the point that anything nuclear becomes irrelevant. A relic of the past used to frighten children. The ramifications to this leads to a massive gap in the field of super weapons.

This quickly leads to a scientific build-up in hopes of making larger weapons to unbalance the play field. Superpowers race to be the first nations to have weapons capable of rendering everyone else useless. Missiles are quickly given up on as any new ones are destroyed by the same "nets" installed for nuclear warfare. The saying "When outnumbered, use superior firepower" becomes the forefront of research to better improve the regular foot soldier's arsenal. This theory is destroyed after the "Dresdain Incident" in which a army with weapons years away from every other nation is not only destroyed, but by a much larger force.

This leads to the idea to not improve the equipment, but the soldier. Heavy research by many superpowers goes underway in secret and soon massive amounts of genetic engineering takes place. Stem-cells and genetic splicing take the front of all research and soon scientists try to figure out the best way to use their growing knowledge. Small enhancements are given to foot-soilders. These involve muscle growth, heightened reflexes, and stronger skin.

All of these seem to be worth pennies as they prove to be an extremely small factor on the battlefield. Enhanced soldiers lose to genetically unaltered ones at the same rate and soon it looks like yet another wasted endeavour by many. That is until a small experiment that lead to the "Genetic Revolution" that paved way to a new race.

It started out when a small team of scientists successfully engineered a mouse to grow wings. Using stem-cells and genetic crafting to not only make the mouse grow wings, but be able to use them. They figured if they could combine a mouse with a bird, why not humans? Why not make a man fly? Why not make a man as strong as a bull for the matter? Or agile as a fox? Or fast as a cheetah?

These questions headed the greatest human endeavor the world has ever seen. Time seemed to stop in the many years that countless scientific facilities spent creating results. For the first time in years, alliances were formed in the thought to share common knowledge. Multicultural labs opened up across the world and soon everyone was racing to create the perfect hybrid. It seemed everyone forgot the point was for a better soldier for a better war. A universal time-out was in effect.

Deep in the labs, scientist soon realized that their efforts were for nothing. Specimens were created to have a human figure, but animistic features to improve their natural abilities. Problems arose from brains not being able to cope with new features to specimens becoming more animal then human. Every attempt lead to failure as more humans entered the "grindhouse" that ended most of their lives or made them more wild then human.

The true Genetic Revolution began when a small science team stumbled on the "Human Code". This was the holy grail of genetics in that it is the genetic combination to make a creature have human features. After many tests and experiments, they caught a reacquiring pattern that appeared. As other waved it off as a normality, the team ran tests to find exact patterns and how to replicate them. After a few years, they finally had a working set of genetic code. It ranged from our intelligence, to our ability to walk bi-pedal, to even the way our hand is formed. After the first paper was published giving their findings, the world went crazy.

The idea was that if we could not make humans have animal traits, why not give animals human traits? The First were born as genetic experimenting went on to give the first animals human like qualities. The ability to hold objects, bi-pedal walking, intelligence to build, and so forth until animals walked among us. They were still more animal then human and tended to be confined to military bases.

The problem was that it was extremely hard to implement the correct sequences to a specimen right way without complications or death. The remedy was a slow process of adding new strands of human code each generation. This was a costly processes, but lead to the founding of the "Pure" race of hybrids. They could walk and talk like a human, but retained all the features of their animal base. Soon hybrids were walking the streets of every major city and even more populated the armies. Their numbers were extremely low, but they became a huge influence in the world.

The entire process was finished at the height of the Last War. Many of the hybrids fought in the war in special forces. This period was known as the "Hybrid Conflict" as most armies relied on hybrids to do most the real work. Humans became simple grunts and cannon fodder. Resentment was building in the pure humans, but they viewed the hybrids as a needed evil in the war.

A global company known as "Gencorp" started looking for a way to mass produce the wanted hybrids. Natural breeding took time and with the addition of a human lifespan, they needed a better way to get their product. Thus the beginning of the end in which they experimented with a way to quickly transfer the genetic code to a specimen without the breeding process. The idea was that they could transfer it into a virus and the virus into a specimen.

At this point, not much is known how it all came to be. Most records ended or described horror scenes of a post-apocalyptic world. The virus developed evolved out of hand and soon twisted humans and hybrids into beasts. A random combination of man and animal that was extremely aggressive and hungry. The virus ended up being able to spread through bodily fluids and those that weren't eaten became on of them. Zombie story, ect.


Enter the start of my novel, as the world fell to the beasts, hatred for the hybrids hit its peak and soon the last hybrids sought out refugee from the angry humans. Conflict and war ended the rest who were not eaten by the beasts.

The last hybrids founded the city of "New Heaven" and settled in desert wastelands outside of human contact. Years passed and soon the human population had dwindled to a fraction after many attempts at ending the beasts had failed. A chance was given to the humans as they were accepted into New Heaven under certain rulings set out by the hybrid's new Council.

The last safe place in the world and the hybrids ran it. The humans became the minority and their influence on affairs dwindled to nothing. Hybrid task forces kept the peace in New Heaven while the Council sought after an end to the war with the beasts.

The novel focuses on a wastelander known only as Daz, an orphan who grew up inside of New Heaven. He is known throughout the city as a man who can get things done. He makes money by scavenging outside the city, collecting beast's heads as bounty, and anything else needed.

The story starts with a lost human patrol that leads to the death of a hybrid inspector. Mystery surround both incidents as Daz gets swept up in the growing turmoil. Humans blame the Council for the death of the patrol as hybrids blame the death of the inspector on human retaliation. The races feud as a greater number of beasts build up outside the city gates. The fight is on to reclaim a lost world.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Crazy Clown Creates Killer Fire Horse

Give this man a movie deal.


This man (called "Paka") is a clown. A clown who likes to create robotic death horses that put the horses the four horsemen ride to shame. (Horsemen? Sounds like a bad rip-off of spiderman if you ask me) Some wonder why he creates death horses or why he makes them so evil looking, but then again they questioned Cyberdyne those same things.

Steven King has been put to shame at this killer clown's hobby. I suspect his previous hobby was scaring children and it just got out of hand. Either way, I would rather have "It" come at me then this crazy cillker clown. (I know that is spelled wrong but the other way would get me the wrong fanbase.) Although, I'm sure that when "It" attacks me it probably would be a raptor. Or Polar Bear. Or my own self.

All I am saying is this guy needs a blockbuster deal. Notice the "I'm rape you!" glove he wears. That just screams Freddy Kruger... without the lame remake that does not feature Johnny Deep. The more you analyze what he is wearing and what he looks like... well it makes me not want to sleep. He calls it art, but I'm sure Hannibal called "eating people" art.

Here’s a hint: It stopped being art somewhere around the time you taught it the meaning of “murder.”

Monday, October 12, 2009

To Avoid Confusion

Obviously we had to nuke the moon because our secret military moon base was compromised by space bears. We bought the base along with the rest of the Louisiana Purchase and have not had a problem until recently when the intergalactic space cartell (ISC for short) decided to strike back after the whole "Clinton V. Space Council" thing back in the earily 80s. Now we had to nuke the moon to make sure they couldn't take our base. We go all or nothing, America.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Back in Action

Well I am back after a prolonged "vacation" that I took to hide from a few real life problems. I also gained new inspiration for a new movie idea, but that comes later. I left due to information on some members of the shape-shifting dino/bird race wanting my head. I normally find this to be rumors or trickery, but my strong mob ties (I once saved "The Don"'s prized bear statue from a rival family. They really stepped up on that one.) told me that I must hide. So hide I did!

Long story short is that the South Pole is equal parts "no Santa" and "really fucking cold". A few weeks in a cabin gave my life much insight. My heart was slowly freezing and my food rations low...I finally found the ones that had chased me and wanted my head. I can say now that they were raptors...of that does make the information given to me correct, but I think I freaked out a bit more then needed.

When some Bambiraptor come to your hidden southern base/frozen death really can't help but laugh. I just walked past them as they yelled profanities and unkind words about my mother and her various acts the night before. As scary as my regular friends to be quite honest. (Alex: "Hey, you want the rest of these ribs?" BL: "Ha! Your mother likes it that way!" Alex: "Uhh, ok. So you want them?" BL: "Yeh! Just like your mom, hahahaha!" Alex: "That doesn't even make sence!" BL: "Just like your mom! HAHAHA" Well you get the idea. Banters like this tend to last a few hours before one of us gets bored.)

Anyway, I am back and have many things to share. I have decided many things and one such thing is a new movie idea. If any movie executives (I know you are there....) are reading this then feast your eyes on this perplexing idea that will rock the summer horror slots to the near brink of human comprehension and enjoyment:


As the camera pans in we see two nuns standing around the fireplace. Nun #1 (Angelina Jolie) throws more wood into the fire while Nun #3 (Halley Berry) reads from a bible. Nun #2 comes in from the doorway on the right and sits down in one of the large black velvet chairs that surround the fireplace. I suppose these are made of seals.

Nun #2

The fireplace is warm and we are secure for the night. Now all we have to do is wait till daybreak to get back on track to teach those southern folk all about the glory of god!

Nun #1

I can't wait to see their smiles!

Nun #3 then strips down to her underwear to do some near-fireplace-yoga. This will probably be shot with a close-up lens and moody music placed in. Maybe she starts to remember he life before she became a nun and the strip clubs she danced in. This part will generate most our revenue.

Nun #1

Oh you! Always with the yoga. Hey girls, have you heard of that old legend the locals always go on about?

Nun #2

Oh my lord! You mean the one about the polar bears that wear shades and carry assault weapons to take people in the night?

Nun #3

Oh that is just silly superstition!

Right after that line, the camera jumps to outside where a dozen black figures are seen moving around the cabin. A shadow is seen with an assault rifle being raised into the air. Mumbles and gun-cocking can be heard.

Nun #1

Did you hear that girls?!

Nun #3

Oh you are just being paranoid! God have me if there is something out there!

Gunfire is heard followed by screaming. I figure at this point there is a close-up of a bear who smirks and then puts on some shades. The rest of the scene plays out by improv.

Well ok, I haven't worked out most of it. But that's a start! I expect a cash payment from the highest bidder and I get to play the part of the lost Eskimo who stumbles upon the polar bear secret.