Thursday, September 30, 2010

Raptor Propaganda

This is the face of the enemy ladies and gentlemen.

In my time there has been no greater threat to the continuation of the human species than this evil-incarnated, virtual, raptor propaganda device. This green raptor spews more child-friendly lies than Spongebob spreads liberal agendas. He trots around the "Mushroom Kingdom" constantly repeating his name so those who witness his atrocities never forget. He is the single most perfect example of raptor acceptance in this world that must stop if we are to win the growing species war.

For you see he does not effect us in the way most raptors do, but instead pollutes the minds of our children and misguided Nintendo fans with the ideas that raptors are just cute animals that we could domesticate. While we should embrace the idea that raptors can be controlled and owned, we must also remember how dangerous they are to the security of our evolutionary line.

Raptors must be criminalized and hated such as we have done with the nazis. We must revile them and absolutely abhor their very existence. We must rise up and cast aside the idea that those green monsters can be our friends or even just coexist with them. We must rip down all raptor propaganda, such as this thing, and present our new form of truth. We must rise up and say no more to their treatment with anything less than sudden death. We must realize the threat and make sure all know of the evil that looms behind the great wall of lies.

So remove the mario roms from your emulators, cast aside your cartridges, and delete all your Mario Kart data on that cursed DS. Instead place in a copy of Jurassic Park and see what Yoshi looks like without the filter.

Saturday, September 25, 2010


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Flight of the Raptors

I do not believe that velociraptors had feathers. There...I said it. The reason for this is that they do not look like the type of creature that would evolve colored decorations as a biological advantage. What creature would even need to grow a rainbow body coloration in a dense, bland, and unexciting environment. There are some, the Homoceratops, might find that in evolution it prefers this kind of thing, but raptors are not one of them. In my opinion, I think the raptors themselves started this rumor to when the other mammals realized they could climb something (As shown in the documentary: The Lost World) and get away from the raptors without harm. This cause the raptors to make the other creatures think they could fly so they wouldn't try that shit. So far it has worked, as modern "scientists" insist they have feathers.

Of course these same people insist that raptors are extinct and pose no threat on humanity. I tried to warn them of the growing threat, but the restraining order has covered the light I was trying to use to illuminate them.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A note from the Author

Recently I have been gaining a larger reader base and want to thank everyone that has been reading and commenting on my blog. It is an odd assortment of anything I find on the internet and do my best to entertain and excite. I want to remind everyone that everyone has a sponsor (even politicians) and mine are right on the side.


The more support I gain the higher I shall update and bring to this blog. So view, comment, and most importantly look at my great sponsors and see what they have to offer you. (I get money as a bonus!)

Otherwise, look forward to my next post probably involving raptors or other things that threaten our daily lives. (Probably bullshit I pull on the spot.)

So thank you and enjoy.


I was in playing Metroid other M on my Mac off a second partition running windows 7 running off that a wii emulator (Dolphin) using a ps3 controller to play.

The future is here and now you can take part in this exciting deal!

Go to:

Rip your LEGAL COPIES OF A GAME (or piratebay) and play them on your rig just as I have. This isn't new news or anything, but I just fix it all up and soon going to build a custom sensor to use my wiimotes as a mouse. That's just badass.

In other news:

This is a caterpillar.

Monday, September 20, 2010


Raptor Jesus

I feel like I both enjoy the fact that raptors are mocked by being photoshopped onto Jesus. Or is that the other way around? Either way raptors are getting more attention in the media outlet that is 4chan and all the filth that comes out of it. (Kittens!) But is this positive media attention really a good thing? In some ways are raptors not getting a better light shined on them from a lot of this? How can we treat such evil with a smile and a fancy hat photoshopped on said evil? Maybe I'm the only one that finds this a tad odd, but who knows. Maybe all this attention will finally bring them out of hiding. I find comfort in the fact that at least Raptor Jesus is not like Sobek as he came after the creation of raptors because we all know the crocodile was invented by Sobek so the Egyptians wouldn't call him out on his shit.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Zombie Plan

Ok here is my plan: First I would gather my supplies at home. I would put on light clothing, my gasmask, and comfortable shoes. Then my black duster to make myself look BA. Then I would throw in my laptop, chargers, and copy of I am Americ...a and So Can You! in a messanger bag. This is when I would be prepared to leave. First I would walk over to my french doors and break the glass, thus taking a larger peice and putting it in my pocket. Then I would head out on foot with cars being so difficult and most roads blocked with broken ones and the bodies of fools. I would head to the Nevada Gun Exchange by running through the appartments and homes using the cries of inoccents to attract the zombies away from my silent steps. When I get to the store it will be locked. I will go around and use the back entrence to the build complex to get to their side door. I will knock three times and announce I am alive and not bittens. After much acting and crying, the employee that was there during the outbreak will let me in. I will thank this person with a desperate hug and when that person shares the embrace I will take the peice of glass out of my pocket and stab them in the jugular. After shoving them to the ground and dragging the corpse outside, I would have a haven for guns. I would gather two pistols with holders, a m4 carbine which I would attach a bayonett to and enough ammo to fill the rest of my messanger bag. I would also find a machette in the back room under the .22 boxed ammo to the right that would serve as my most used killing tool ala Book of Eli. I would then exit leaving the door open for any group of four to come in and find their share of guns and the new laser sight attachments in this gam...I mean shippment. That is the point that I would run to the local animal shelter. Now you may ask, "Why?" Well shut the fuck up because I am explaining everything right now so stop interupting. The trip would be uneventful except a gas station I would need to blow up to make a distraction. Very cliche. After the zombies rush to the noise I would sneak down back alleys to get to where I was going. After a few heads removed from some zombies and/or people who piss me off, I would reach the Animal Shelter. At this point I would secure it down with the large bars they have in case of rabies outbreaks, which ironically caused this whole mess. I would stay there for three days and two nights doing what I needed, which in this case would be taking a lot of horse tranquilizer. After getting drugged out of my mind, I would then wake up on the third night next to a operating bed full of blood and a sheet covering something big. I would at that point freak out, and take more tranquilizer. The next morning I would gather my balls and take off the sheet to find three rottweilers sewn together mouth to ass. This would seem strange to me but on reading the warning label for the durgs they did mention this in the side effects. As I pondered my ability to preform surgery, I would feel somewhat shamed and take the creature as a pet. I would name it "Steve" because every three-dog creature is named Steve, thats just how it fucking is. After teaching Steve to fetch I would teach it to kill. A small step in my mind. Thus me and Steve would head out to my final destination: an old silo on the outskirts of Reno. This would serve as my home until the outbreak comes to an end. I would make a car out of spare parts that looks exactly like the one in Road Warrior. This would serve me as I would make raids to all the local walmarts and starbucks in the area. I wouldn't get supplies from them, but burn them down as this new world could do without the ultimate evils. Thus food would come from local wildlife and canned food with my supply of drugs constantly full for those long nights. After a while life would become a balance of kickass action sequences and drug-filled bad ideas. One day I would find people knocking on my silo door asking to be let in. After many "Go the fuck aways" and "Wait are there any girls I can bang because the porn on my laptop is getting old"...s...I would figure out they were actually raiders. As learned from playing Fallout 3 for the past few months (This game is so modern!) I would do what only a rational person would do. I would sneak out the back door and throw a pack of c4 at them and do the cool "turn around and not look back during the explosion" thing. After the explosion I would then turn around and look at my handy work. These raiders were poised for an all out rape/murdering of myself and I could tell. I would then look at the burning bus they came in to find the words "School" written on the side and realize that these were some small raiders. I would laugh and kick a body screaming "Never mess with the best!" and go back into my home to take more drugs and pet my freakish monster pet. Life would continue on as thus with the need to move after Reno got nuked and my supply of tranqs can out in Carson. I would set out on the road to a little town in Canada where I could just sit back and enjoy the new world.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Eve Exploits - Tutorialize Me

EVE online started out as an idea and different form of MMO which eventually became a huge success and’s 2009 MMO of the year. Along with true social interaction and a player-driven economy, EVE looked like the game for me. Benefits of hard work that aren’t just a shiny virtual sword, but prestige among my fellow players. I have followed EVE from the beginning, to the Goonswarm takeover of BoB and even up to the new expansion Tyrannis. Yet I have never given EVE a try after hearing the tales of repetitive grinds and pirates ruining hours of work or even more. I did not wish to play a game where I would spend a large portion of my time getting somewhere, only to be shoved down the ladder by bad luck or other players. Well with the release of the new Tyrannis trailer and the idea of the EVE Gate, I have decided to take a swing at this game. Here is the chronicle of one man’s attempt to reach the stars.

I decide the best way to play this game is to have a plan instead of the regular “pick class and follow quest” formula. My idea is that I will try and become a (somewhat) successful merchant working his way to a higher profit. Starting as a lowly miner and working my way through the market to try and better myself. I will play it by the American Dream: get money and lots of it.

After loading up character creation I am given a choice between races: Caldari, Minmatar, Amarr, and Gallente. I am given a brief description read by a woman who is better suited to tell Prophecies rather than history lessons. During a brief period of thought, I am stuck with the decision between the Gallente and the Caldari. The American in me wants to side with the Gallente to spread democracy and freedom throughout the universe, but the corporate money grabber in me wants to side with like-minded individuals in the Caldari. My decision is to stick with my plan and side with the Caldari to further my career. The rest of character creation is spent making my avatar look like a dick as much as possible.

A face you can trust!

I enter the dark void of space with my new entrepreneur when I'm greeted by the same prophetic voice and a tutorial to show me the ropes so I may grasp and strangle them for every penny they’re worth. The apparent fact that hits me quickly there is a lot of UI surrounding my craft and much of which is followed by more screens and explanations. There is a lot to be absorbed but the robotic chick takes her time to get me used to everything. “Click this, look at this, this is this, go here, ect.” I get the hang of the simple things and soon have skills being trained in a queue. A feature that stands out to me is the skills train in real-time, so if I log off for a while I come back to an avatar that is more advanced then I left him. The downside is that the user is tethered to this system and the time requirements. In other MMOs you could just spend a few minutes to hours working up a skill, but in EVE you must tell the computer what you want to train and wait the time out either doing something else or logging off completely. Although this system is better than other MMOs where when I log off the best thing I might get is rest xp.

After a few minutes I finally get to enter my first real battle. I was nervous as I wasn’t sure how combat would work. I am used to SWG’s space combat and its dog-fighting mechanics which play out like any flight game you could find. After my robotic compadre tells me a few of the basics, my ship is pushed to the limit and starts rushing full speed towards my locked-on target. My hearts pounds as I get a little less than 1000 KM and hastily I press the fire button. My canon starts blasting as I circle my prey….and that is it. Nothing else for me to do but watch as the forward canon takes out the defenseless drone. I feel kind of bad after it is destroyed without mercy. Pondering how many times a day this drone suffers such punishment, I fly away.

Lots of things to do in such a small space.

As the battle with the saboteur was as uneventful as with the poor drone, I want to point out the graphics and how they stand as a cornerstone to EVE. I have set the graphic level to maximum and this game looks better than almost any MMO I have played before. I find myself just looking around in awe as my autopilot does its job. This is a major boost for the game as you will be watching your ship fly a lot. Within the first ten minutes I haven’t flown my ship “manually” at all. This normally would bother me, but with the way the game looks and feels it is right in place. The interface blends right in with the pallet of colors used. Space is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly hugely mind-bogglingly big it is, yet EVE shrinks it down to where to background is a broad range of planets and anomalies. Warp somewhere and launch past a mesmerizing light spectacle and then stop in a sector where a vast spaceships is easily overshadowed by the luminescent planet behind it. There is a lot in this game just to look at and enjoy. Just know that if you don’t care for good graphics and scenery and want a more “in control” experience then EVE might not be right for you. EVE requires less input than most MMOs on the market and my time so far has been spent managing and gazing at the universe around me.

Turn left! Fire! Turn left! Fire! Turn Left! Fire!

The brief battle involving our two ships doing a dance as lasers go off back and forth with me being the victor. I set off back to claim my reward when I was done exploring the sector I was in. For killing my target so fast, there was an added bonus 1,000 Isk for the effort. All my missions so far have had a bonus for completing the mission in a certain time frame. I wonder how rich these people are if they treat thousands as petty cash. I feel like more advance players are laughing and wiping themselves with million ISK certificates. No bother to me though; I am ready for my next mission and my next paycheck. To follow traditional MMO guidelines, my next mission is a delivery quest. To my relief it wasn’t a box of pelts to take to a craftsman, but just a box to another agent in another system. Sounds familiar to me, but ISK is ISK and I set my destination. As I travel with my space-pelts I get my first chance to travel via a warp gate. Ever since my old days of Star Wars to even the more modern Mass Effect have I wanted to travel via warp-anything. I finally "got the chance" and it feels powerful. The noise, effects, and the way the screen shakes makes it feel like you are being thrusted to somewhere far far away. Still, autopilot has been my friend this entire time. It doesn’t talk, but I name it HAL anyway for good luck. I make it my first mission to find a way to give it a voice so I can argue with it. Space is a lonely…lonely place.

Anyway, I deliver the pelts to the assigned agent and get my few coop—ISK. My cursor hovers over my bank account and I already have 89,000 ISK to spend. I realize now this game IS about numbers and I am scared that soon it might require me to do advanced algebra. I barley passed that class with a D and now regret my decision to rebel with the knowledge that it would have helped me in the vast market system of space. Who would have guessed? With that my tutorial is over and I must choose my path from military to business. While all the choices sounded like something a up-and-coming space entrepreneur would like, I chose business as the allure of making money off others sounded like something that fit me right. With my choice and a found farewell (If you ever need me, I will always be here! .. just press F12) my robotic assistant was gone from sight and mind. Just me and HAL in this ship now....and he isn’t very social. I set off to my destination to enter the real portions of the game and try to bring my plans to fruition.

And with that I set out to fulfill my dream.

EVE online is largely different than most MMOs on the market and because of this has a huge community. It is a game where management and decisions take more priority than stats or equipment and everything revolves around the players. I am no longer grinding for xp to gain new skills to do an instance for better gear, yet here I am still doing delivery quests. Some things never change, but the one thing this game DOES change is the way it is played. From a real-time skill system to brilliant details and a social focus par none, EVE has me intrigued and wanting to further myself. The one thing I that will break me from this game is the harsh grind and setbacks. These will be explored further along in my journey and I shall see just how harsh they really are.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Introducing The Anti-Raptor Gun

For a limited time only I offer you this truly unique weapon that will protect you against any form of raptor attack. Just lock-n-load with this baby and watch as even velociraptors run in fear.

(Note: I am not responsible for any damages to oneself or their loved ones in the process of using this gun.)