Sunday, November 1, 2009

Raptor Taylor Swift


So I was playing an un-named game that is just as cool as Modern Warfare (and gets me laid twice as much) that so happens to be set in the past and I so happen to be a cat-man that "shapeshifts" into himself, naked, while on all fours. I was minding my own business (killing skeletons) when I ran into a flock of raptors. This broke my illusion that I was safe in a fantasy world made of binary and internet memes. THEY GOT ME EVEN WHEN I WASN'T MYSELF.

I asked an elf that was passing by if he saw them. This started an argument about what I mean "them" (I know he was one of them....) and ended in my knowledge that I was the only one that could see them. They know where I felt safe and SHATTERED THAT SAFTY LIKE A POLAR BEAR ON DRUGS.

Ok, bad example. the only good thing is that it led to a series of quests that started with me killing maneating plants and then pouring their acid on the raptors TO MAKE THEM RUN AND MELT LIKE THE COWARDS THEY ARE.

Proof they can get me anywhere

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

While we are on topic....

TOP 10 WAYS I WILL (Probably) DIE

1. Raptors

2. Polar Bears

3. Insane stunt done to impress hot chick(s)

4. Insane stunt done out of boredom

5. Magnet ripping out my metal heart

6. Not giving into a robber's demands

7. Brian's driving

8. Overestimating my opponent

9. Trying to play hero

10. Too much sex? (Please?)

This is why I don't fly in Africa....

Found on your friendly College Humor site

Friday, October 23, 2009


1. Mauled to death by raptors
2. Raped to death by trees
3. Acid Hawk
4. Mauled to death by Polar Bears
5. Gunned down by Polar Bears
6. Burning to death
7. Drowning
8. Bleeding to Death
9. Clowns
10. Mauled to death by kittens

Monday, October 19, 2009

Best Horror Story EVER

As you all know, I read a lot of articles from

If you have not been there, go there. NOW

This applies to be previous post on my novel idea as this is the best horror idea ever. I will write my novel and this because they both are so damn epic.

"The story takes place 200 years after the original, in 2097, when the earth has been overrun by zombies. Dracula rises from the grave, knowing he has to restore the race of vampires to the planet. However, he finds his bite has a strange effect on the zombies: They are immediately imbued with the ancient vampire martial art of Chainkata (a.k.a. fighting with chainsaws).

As Dracula's growing vampire zombie chainsaw army leaves a trail of hacked limbs across the land, he soon clashes with a new threat: A horde of human refugees who have survived the 70-year zombie war thanks to nothing more than their wits and gigantic mechanized battle suits."

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My Novel


It is the distant future where nations are on the edge of war. The reasons are meaningless, purely human ones. A mass arms buildup is underway as countries scramble to the top. Third world countries fight to become first, superpowers fight for land or resources and others just try to keep what they have. Politics break down as pacts are completely forgotten as a dog-eat-dog world becomes an apparent reality.

Early in the war, atomic bombs prove to be useless. The superpowers understand the problems faced with using them and halt any serious use of them and small countries that do try and use them are quickly bombed in fear of them doing anything rash. Grids are set up to protect larger areas from nuclear attack and soon all countries are able to properly defend themselves to the point that anything nuclear becomes irrelevant. A relic of the past used to frighten children. The ramifications to this leads to a massive gap in the field of super weapons.

This quickly leads to a scientific build-up in hopes of making larger weapons to unbalance the play field. Superpowers race to be the first nations to have weapons capable of rendering everyone else useless. Missiles are quickly given up on as any new ones are destroyed by the same "nets" installed for nuclear warfare. The saying "When outnumbered, use superior firepower" becomes the forefront of research to better improve the regular foot soldier's arsenal. This theory is destroyed after the "Dresdain Incident" in which a army with weapons years away from every other nation is not only destroyed, but by a much larger force.

This leads to the idea to not improve the equipment, but the soldier. Heavy research by many superpowers goes underway in secret and soon massive amounts of genetic engineering takes place. Stem-cells and genetic splicing take the front of all research and soon scientists try to figure out the best way to use their growing knowledge. Small enhancements are given to foot-soilders. These involve muscle growth, heightened reflexes, and stronger skin.

All of these seem to be worth pennies as they prove to be an extremely small factor on the battlefield. Enhanced soldiers lose to genetically unaltered ones at the same rate and soon it looks like yet another wasted endeavour by many. That is until a small experiment that lead to the "Genetic Revolution" that paved way to a new race.

It started out when a small team of scientists successfully engineered a mouse to grow wings. Using stem-cells and genetic crafting to not only make the mouse grow wings, but be able to use them. They figured if they could combine a mouse with a bird, why not humans? Why not make a man fly? Why not make a man as strong as a bull for the matter? Or agile as a fox? Or fast as a cheetah?

These questions headed the greatest human endeavor the world has ever seen. Time seemed to stop in the many years that countless scientific facilities spent creating results. For the first time in years, alliances were formed in the thought to share common knowledge. Multicultural labs opened up across the world and soon everyone was racing to create the perfect hybrid. It seemed everyone forgot the point was for a better soldier for a better war. A universal time-out was in effect.

Deep in the labs, scientist soon realized that their efforts were for nothing. Specimens were created to have a human figure, but animistic features to improve their natural abilities. Problems arose from brains not being able to cope with new features to specimens becoming more animal then human. Every attempt lead to failure as more humans entered the "grindhouse" that ended most of their lives or made them more wild then human.

The true Genetic Revolution began when a small science team stumbled on the "Human Code". This was the holy grail of genetics in that it is the genetic combination to make a creature have human features. After many tests and experiments, they caught a reacquiring pattern that appeared. As other waved it off as a normality, the team ran tests to find exact patterns and how to replicate them. After a few years, they finally had a working set of genetic code. It ranged from our intelligence, to our ability to walk bi-pedal, to even the way our hand is formed. After the first paper was published giving their findings, the world went crazy.

The idea was that if we could not make humans have animal traits, why not give animals human traits? The First were born as genetic experimenting went on to give the first animals human like qualities. The ability to hold objects, bi-pedal walking, intelligence to build, and so forth until animals walked among us. They were still more animal then human and tended to be confined to military bases.

The problem was that it was extremely hard to implement the correct sequences to a specimen right way without complications or death. The remedy was a slow process of adding new strands of human code each generation. This was a costly processes, but lead to the founding of the "Pure" race of hybrids. They could walk and talk like a human, but retained all the features of their animal base. Soon hybrids were walking the streets of every major city and even more populated the armies. Their numbers were extremely low, but they became a huge influence in the world.

The entire process was finished at the height of the Last War. Many of the hybrids fought in the war in special forces. This period was known as the "Hybrid Conflict" as most armies relied on hybrids to do most the real work. Humans became simple grunts and cannon fodder. Resentment was building in the pure humans, but they viewed the hybrids as a needed evil in the war.

A global company known as "Gencorp" started looking for a way to mass produce the wanted hybrids. Natural breeding took time and with the addition of a human lifespan, they needed a better way to get their product. Thus the beginning of the end in which they experimented with a way to quickly transfer the genetic code to a specimen without the breeding process. The idea was that they could transfer it into a virus and the virus into a specimen.

At this point, not much is known how it all came to be. Most records ended or described horror scenes of a post-apocalyptic world. The virus developed evolved out of hand and soon twisted humans and hybrids into beasts. A random combination of man and animal that was extremely aggressive and hungry. The virus ended up being able to spread through bodily fluids and those that weren't eaten became on of them. Zombie story, ect.


Enter the start of my novel, as the world fell to the beasts, hatred for the hybrids hit its peak and soon the last hybrids sought out refugee from the angry humans. Conflict and war ended the rest who were not eaten by the beasts.

The last hybrids founded the city of "New Heaven" and settled in desert wastelands outside of human contact. Years passed and soon the human population had dwindled to a fraction after many attempts at ending the beasts had failed. A chance was given to the humans as they were accepted into New Heaven under certain rulings set out by the hybrid's new Council.

The last safe place in the world and the hybrids ran it. The humans became the minority and their influence on affairs dwindled to nothing. Hybrid task forces kept the peace in New Heaven while the Council sought after an end to the war with the beasts.

The novel focuses on a wastelander known only as Daz, an orphan who grew up inside of New Heaven. He is known throughout the city as a man who can get things done. He makes money by scavenging outside the city, collecting beast's heads as bounty, and anything else needed.

The story starts with a lost human patrol that leads to the death of a hybrid inspector. Mystery surround both incidents as Daz gets swept up in the growing turmoil. Humans blame the Council for the death of the patrol as hybrids blame the death of the inspector on human retaliation. The races feud as a greater number of beasts build up outside the city gates. The fight is on to reclaim a lost world.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Crazy Clown Creates Killer Fire Horse

Give this man a movie deal.


This man (called "Paka") is a clown. A clown who likes to create robotic death horses that put the horses the four horsemen ride to shame. (Horsemen? Sounds like a bad rip-off of spiderman if you ask me) Some wonder why he creates death horses or why he makes them so evil looking, but then again they questioned Cyberdyne those same things.

Steven King has been put to shame at this killer clown's hobby. I suspect his previous hobby was scaring children and it just got out of hand. Either way, I would rather have "It" come at me then this crazy cillker clown. (I know that is spelled wrong but the other way would get me the wrong fanbase.) Although, I'm sure that when "It" attacks me it probably would be a raptor. Or Polar Bear. Or my own self.

All I am saying is this guy needs a blockbuster deal. Notice the "I'm rape you!" glove he wears. That just screams Freddy Kruger... without the lame remake that does not feature Johnny Deep. The more you analyze what he is wearing and what he looks like... well it makes me not want to sleep. He calls it art, but I'm sure Hannibal called "eating people" art.

Here’s a hint: It stopped being art somewhere around the time you taught it the meaning of “murder.”

Monday, October 12, 2009

To Avoid Confusion

Obviously we had to nuke the moon because our secret military moon base was compromised by space bears. We bought the base along with the rest of the Louisiana Purchase and have not had a problem until recently when the intergalactic space cartell (ISC for short) decided to strike back after the whole "Clinton V. Space Council" thing back in the earily 80s. Now we had to nuke the moon to make sure they couldn't take our base. We go all or nothing, America.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Back in Action

Well I am back after a prolonged "vacation" that I took to hide from a few real life problems. I also gained new inspiration for a new movie idea, but that comes later. I left due to information on some members of the shape-shifting dino/bird race wanting my head. I normally find this to be rumors or trickery, but my strong mob ties (I once saved "The Don"'s prized bear statue from a rival family. They really stepped up on that one.) told me that I must hide. So hide I did!

Long story short is that the South Pole is equal parts "no Santa" and "really fucking cold". A few weeks in a cabin gave my life much insight. My heart was slowly freezing and my food rations low...I finally found the ones that had chased me and wanted my head. I can say now that they were raptors...of that does make the information given to me correct, but I think I freaked out a bit more then needed.

When some Bambiraptor come to your hidden southern base/frozen death really can't help but laugh. I just walked past them as they yelled profanities and unkind words about my mother and her various acts the night before. As scary as my regular friends to be quite honest. (Alex: "Hey, you want the rest of these ribs?" BL: "Ha! Your mother likes it that way!" Alex: "Uhh, ok. So you want them?" BL: "Yeh! Just like your mom, hahahaha!" Alex: "That doesn't even make sence!" BL: "Just like your mom! HAHAHA" Well you get the idea. Banters like this tend to last a few hours before one of us gets bored.)

Anyway, I am back and have many things to share. I have decided many things and one such thing is a new movie idea. If any movie executives (I know you are there....) are reading this then feast your eyes on this perplexing idea that will rock the summer horror slots to the near brink of human comprehension and enjoyment:


As the camera pans in we see two nuns standing around the fireplace. Nun #1 (Angelina Jolie) throws more wood into the fire while Nun #3 (Halley Berry) reads from a bible. Nun #2 comes in from the doorway on the right and sits down in one of the large black velvet chairs that surround the fireplace. I suppose these are made of seals.

Nun #2

The fireplace is warm and we are secure for the night. Now all we have to do is wait till daybreak to get back on track to teach those southern folk all about the glory of god!

Nun #1

I can't wait to see their smiles!

Nun #3 then strips down to her underwear to do some near-fireplace-yoga. This will probably be shot with a close-up lens and moody music placed in. Maybe she starts to remember he life before she became a nun and the strip clubs she danced in. This part will generate most our revenue.

Nun #1

Oh you! Always with the yoga. Hey girls, have you heard of that old legend the locals always go on about?

Nun #2

Oh my lord! You mean the one about the polar bears that wear shades and carry assault weapons to take people in the night?

Nun #3

Oh that is just silly superstition!

Right after that line, the camera jumps to outside where a dozen black figures are seen moving around the cabin. A shadow is seen with an assault rifle being raised into the air. Mumbles and gun-cocking can be heard.

Nun #1

Did you hear that girls?!

Nun #3

Oh you are just being paranoid! God have me if there is something out there!

Gunfire is heard followed by screaming. I figure at this point there is a close-up of a bear who smirks and then puts on some shades. The rest of the scene plays out by improv.

Well ok, I haven't worked out most of it. But that's a start! I expect a cash payment from the highest bidder and I get to play the part of the lost Eskimo who stumbles upon the polar bear secret.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Scribblenauts ESRB Rating Summary

This is a puzzle game in which players navigate a series of traps, puzzles, and enemies to collect stars scattered throughout the colorful levels. Players have the ability to summon different objects by writing/typing in the word (e.g., bike, spaceship, lion) and watching it come to life. If multiple words are entered in a sequence, different whimsical scenarios can be triggered: a bicycle can be used to jump over a baby; a bulldozer can clear away a shark; and cabbage can be fed to dinosaurs. Players can elect to summon "cartoony" versions of bats, bombs, guns, and flamethrowers. These types of items can be used to destroy objects or even other summoned items (e.g., a club can be used to hit an animal; steak can be attached to a baby to attract lions; rockets can be lobbed at a man). These triggered animations are minimally depicted and are usually accompanied by popping, musical sound effects; bright, star-shaped flashes; or small puffs of smoke. If players wish to, they may type in the word vomit, which causes a beige-colored lump to appear on the screen.


Thursday, September 10, 2009

More Raptors In Jurrasic Park

I finally got my collectors edition of the Lost World in the mail! I am as happy as a polar bear during a hunt. To be honest, it isn't as grand as I had imagined. Of course I imagined it would be contained in a black box with the warning label in bold letters and it would require a special key to open it.

Instead it is just a regular dvd case that happens to be shinny in case of raptor attacks. Those things sure love shinny objects. Once I was able to distract one in a bank long enough to mortally wound it. Was sent to prison for a while because of that...if only people would see the truth....

Anyway, it is nice and comes loaded with tons of extras. One major thing is multiple commentaries by staff and crew. As a friend of mine pointed out: this could be my chance to learn anti-raptor techniques from the masters.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Oh @$&#! Is that a raptor? - The Novel

That is right! I am currently working on a new project besides Life in the Wastes! The title says it all! It will be a episodic novel about the end of the world as I see it and other fantastic stories of survival and raptors.

What would happen if raptors decided to strike now? That is the main question I will try to answer in my fantastic series! Still looking for publishing, copyright, a written version, and most of the story actually thought up.

I hope to expand on many of my key insights and "theories" to enlighten a nation! More on this later though.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Steam Power Economy

I have just solved our recession.

Power everything by steam. It is cost efficient and looks totally bad ass. Now I'm no suit in Washington, but I know it can help. Oil is the past, but steam is the future. Imagine the applications!

That or nuclear energy. France is almost completely run by nuclear power, so I say we don't try it. If a bunch of snail eaters think it's a good idea...well then that explains my opposition.

But steam is the way, steam is our salvation. I wonder if raptors fear steam? Either way I'm going to a pay-and-take tomorrow to get a chassis and then to a antique store for parts from a steam train. They'll see me rollin and they be jealous of my fuel efficiency.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Everything Explained in one Sentence

Oh and is amazing. Period. Epic on the scale of epic. Like epic had a child with King Leonidas and this is what happened.

Monday, August 31, 2009


This article states everything wrong with the social concept of what a raptor is. Jurassic Park is to blame, but it still has a saving point of laying down the fundamentals of survival against these beasts.

"The raptors in the novel, following through to the film raptors, were larger than the species going by the name because during the writing of the novel, a previously discovered dinosaur named Deinonychus (closely related to Velociraptor, but larger) was interpreted as a Velociraptor species by some scientists, notably Gregory S. Paul.[1] In fact, in the novel, Deinonychus is mentioned, but the character Alan Grant then says that scientists have reclassified it as a species of Velociraptor. Crichton wrote his novel based on the idea of a human sized raptor, but after the publication, when the film was already in production, the idea of Deinonychus being a Velociraptor species was dropped by the scientific community.

During the film's production, the effects supervisors acknowledged that the Velociraptor featured in the movie were sized identically to the larger Deinonychus. However, during filming, paleontologists came across a larger dromaeosaurid species named Utahraptor and the larger raptors remained, even though Utahraptor was substantially larger (21 feet long) than the film's raptors. It should be noted, also, that at the start of the film, a Velociraptor skeleton is uncovered in Montana; no examples of the dinosaur have been uncovered in the United States (although both Deinonychus and Utahraptor are American dinosaurs). The fossil skeleton is similarly inaccurately large. It is possible that the Velociraptors in the film are re-classified Deinonychus, though in the book they are said to be Velociraptor mongoliensis.

The high intelligence of the film's velociraptors are considered somewhat unlikely by scientists, given the relative size of their brains and comparisons with modern animals.[2]

It is certain that Velociraptor had feathers.[3] Neither the film nor the novel dinosaurs had feathers; however, both were created before the discovery of feathered dinosaurs closely related to Velociraptor (e.g. Microraptor).[4][5] In Jurassic Park III, the raptors were remodelled and small feathers on the males' heads were included, while still looking similar to the original design.

As with other bipedal dinosaurs in the films, the hands of Velociraptor are depicted with the palms able to rotate, but this would have been anatomically impossible for the real animals, as their forearm bones (ulna and radius) could not rotate in this way. Their palms should have been relatively fixed facing each other, like a person about to applaud."

Friday, August 28, 2009

My Views

These are just a few examples of how politics are going to kill us all.

Anti-Abortion: This one is self explanatory. I'll explain it anyway for those republicans out there that don't understand what abortions are for. Say a raptor and a women (unknowing) have...relations (keeping this a fucking clean site) ... and have a baby raptor-human hybrid. Get even one of those and we are dead for. Even at birth those things can kill an entire cargo-ship of nothing but angry communists. So what do we do? KILL IT AT THE SOURCE.

Gun Control: No. I can't say this enough. If I had all the time in the world I have wasted explaining things to women. Local gang thugs aren't the problem with their tec-9s and aks! They will just kill each other anyway and solve that problem for us. What happens when the hippies get smart and go into the woods (any woods) and strap bullet-proof vests on bears. Then you have invincible bears! Gun control takes my bullet penetrating bullets and then what? Pepper spray won't save you. And don't get me started on the polar bear issue.

Civil Service: We spend too much. Why pay for things like orphanages? I say we burn down all the orphanages in this great country and give the money directly to things that matter. I mean, what are they going to do? Tell their parents?

The list goes on people!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Achievement - Make a Blag!

When did games stop being played for fun and start being played for points? Remember a time when we would use cheats in gta or play Tomb Raider 2 on easy just for kicks? In today's world games have some sort of achievement system to measure your e-peen size and make people start to compare their points to yours and consider you a gamer based on your score.

Achivments make cheating seem like a punishment and easy mode no longer seems like a fun experience. Games are starting to force us to play games on the hardest difficulty with set perimeters to get more points then your friends.

People like me that play game and don't worry about achievements are condemned as lower form of gamer as points are compared. Why can't we just use achievements as bragging rights without the whole point system involved to make people compete.

I am tired of these systems making the "hardcore" players always bragging about their points or trophy count. But if people find achievement hunting fun, then all the power to them. Just stop treating people like me as a lower form of gamer just because we don't care about achievements.

I bet raptors compete for achievement points...

Monday, August 24, 2009

Are Raptors Communist?

Now hear me out children.

We all know that raptors are a neutral party that are only involved in their benefit. Obviously. We also all know they are currently in a contract with the polar bears. But what if I were to tell you that's why they are communist?

Back in WW2, the Russian's really wanted to get back at Hitler for his crimes against the motherland. In their infinite power, they created a hybrid version of bear cavalry that they had in use at the time. This model though ... used polar bears.

I know! I know!

Most don't know about this, but those polar bears (after doing horrible thing to Hitler) later went on to help the normal polar bears with their plans of world conquest.

Now could a long string of contracts and negotiations put raptors on equal grounds with the reds? Could raptors secretly be acting like communists to further their support to help them with god knows what?

More information as I uncover the truth.....

Do Raptors Fear the Unknown?

Raptors are a evil thing, but do they fear that they don't understand?

Take the scene in Jurassic Park where they killed the hunter. They hid in the bushes until he was in a range that the raptors seemed to take as "uncomfortable", at which point they ripped his throat out. Or some other appendage. Not that it....anyway.

My point is that can we use this fear of the unknown against them? Can we wield the power of astrophysics and astronomical travel against them?!

Nasa, get on this.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Raptors Invade my Dreams

Could they have a secret dream machine?

It started like any other dream: I was hanging with a bunch of friends and hitting on some hot chicks for sport, when raptors busted out of the bushes and started hunting me. No problem right? No, this was a nightmare so for an unearthly reason I didn't have my raptor hunting gear on me.

This is Nevada of course, so I quickly descended into a mine-shaft. What I found was more raptors and a never-ending maze of tunnels and raptors. Suffice to say, I woke up screaming after one raptor jumped on me and ripped my throat out.

Could this be a warning? An oman?

I am never going in a mine again....

Thursday, August 20, 2009

No More Fatty Princess

Seriously, nothing I would tap. THE game "fat princess" on the other-hand is a remarkable experience non-like it before. It also has a British guy using words like "gank". This is my review of the fattest princess since Final Fat-assy.

The actual game is played from a top-down prospective at a slight angle as you move your little avatar around to kill those who stole your beautiful princess and had the nerve to feed her the most delicious cake in the land. As the name implies, feeding your captured princess delicious cake makes her fat, but honestly who doesn't get fat on cake?

The game centers around a constant struggle to reclaim your now-fattened princess and keep the rivals princess so that when the prince of a gigantic tract of land comes, he will only have the option to marry your princess. Same old love story we have been feed a thousand times.

Now what is innovative about the game is the actual game play. You have the option of 6 classes (villager, worker, warrior, mage, preist, and ranger) that all play differently. You can swap classes easily in game by picking up a hat in-game from a hat vending machine or your opponents fallen hat. I wanted a millionaire playboy hat, but alas life isn't centered on a hat bias job environment.

The combat is hack-n-slash with a paranoia system built in. See, the game likes to add in different ways to get around the world that usually involve me cowering behind a captured fortress, waiting for the enemy to drop right on-top of me.

Gore, glorious gore!

Each class has an upgraded version that can be unlock as workers harvest wood and stone to upgrade hat vending machines, siege weapons, and a giant spring-board. Why didn't the Greeks think of that at troy? Forget some giant horse that only houses a few men, just launch your entire army over!

I digress, the worker is by far my favorite class. You just spend the entire game running from tree to ore, harvesting materials, and building upgrades and defensive equipment. The points match wonderfully, so a good worker (me) can rank as high as a warrior deep in combat. A points system obviously decides ranking and leader boards makes you want to be the best little princess feeder you can be!

Did i mention it supports trophies and unlockable features to customize you avatars look? A very sleek system that premises more options in later DLC, which was also promises as a huge support. If sony does one thing right, it is dlc. Look at cross-edge! That game has more dlc then a raptor has hatred for me.

"Help! We are being ganked!"

All in all, the game is currently suffering from post-release server stress. The kind that killed Socom:Confrontation. Otherwise, it is a bargain at 15$ with full online support and the large promises of massive amounts of dlc to keep it fresh. The core game ships with a few maps, 6 classes, 32-player online support, single-player, trophies, leader boards, and fat princess.

Right now it is a gem of potential that i will be enjoying for a long time, but later patches and dlc will really make Fat Princess shine.

I give it 7/10 delicious cakes.

Am I a great person or the greatest person?

I just bought new frames today for my glasses that are replicated ones of Malcolm's from Jurassic Park. That's right, just another way I will eventually merge with my hero. Is that creepy? Yes. Do I look good in them? Yes.

The purpose of this blag post is not to brag (I don't need to) but to explain a odd dream I had last night.

Basically, the zombie apocalypse happened and everyone was eaten. Then it turns out the zombies think like "normal" humans and they only difference is they were immortal undead that craved human flesh. Then I realized I stopped being a zombie and somehow created a cure by filtering the blood through my mecha-heart (I actually have one). Then feral zombies (homeless people) tried to eat me. Then I got free and joined a zombie colony. Then they treated my like a freak. Then I woke up.

The ending was almost (sorta) like the ending of I Am Legend. By being the last of me kind I realized I was the monster to everyone else.

It was quite a fun dream.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Jurrasic Park Club

I have an idea....

Now I know what you are thinking America. Mostly due to my hobby of wire-tapping, but that's more recreational. I have an idea about a new night-club of sorts. On the outside it would be replicated to look like the main complex of Jurassic Park (from the movie, not the actual park) and the inside would be a swinging nightclub.

Now how do those mix? We all know raptors are attracted to shinny objects and lights. So imagine a raptor wandering into a building full of flashing lights and glow-sticks. They would be stuck in a mesmerized state of incompetence. And when they are swaying back and forth, unable to help themselves? Bam, stab them in the neck.

It would be the largest raptor trap known to man. Well....except for the Boston Tea Party....long story.

Anyway, what would be better then a building full of LSD and techno? One filled with dead raptors. Dead raptors make everything better.

Better then that? Just knock them out and use them as ammo for a metal trebuchet.

Why? Zombie apocalypse. Just start launching raptors at the zombies. Best anti-flesh-eaters weapon ever imagined. Down side? Reloading.

People, we need to start investing in this. So hope to it and e-mail me your Swiss bank account numbers.

Monday, August 17, 2009

MAG IS Produced by Raptors!

I know! The greatest online game to grace the ps3 is run by those that try to maul us all? How could this be! Raptors don't have a keen sense of online gaming! But it's very true.....

I first caught whiff of their treachery when they announced 2010 as the release year. How could normal humans keep us without 256 online competition over the Christmas season? That's like saying Jesus delayed his crucifixion till "he felt like it".

Now comes the point of my huge uncovering and realisation! The point where I, a sexy gamer with millions of women swooning over him and a modest attitude, was denied a MAG beta code!

What scam is this! Only one kind....


Only raptors could be behind such a hateful act. I signed up to the psn with all my boxes checked for 3rd party offers. I signed up to the forums and at multiple time stated my interest. I work at gamestop (just one) and have sold countless pre-orders to the public after a long argument about why they should just end their lives on the spot if they are so stupid to not get such a fantastic game.

Till now....

That's right! I am going on strike till those raptors fork over my well deserved beta code so I can make MAG the greatest, and bug-free, game ever. After so many betas I know how to test the hell out of games.

So until my electronic letter box holds a key to that beta, I am protesting MAG and not selling a single pre-order till then! Take that, giant raptor owned corporation!

Not giant raptors....just a giant comp....oh god I think I just found a new fear......

Take that, History!

The greatest concept for a game has not only been created, but has snuck up on me like a green raptor in a field of unbelievably tall grass. What game is that you ask? The game that gives you a high-powered assault rifle from the future and then kicks you into the past. Sure, it has been done with time-splitters, but that was just cartoony. This game will give me the gore and horror of the civil war, without the slow loading muskets and horrible diseases. I'll be able to look history in the face and then spit on her. Just like I did to mother nature! Who says atomic waste can't be thrown away properly? Give me a shovel and a forest, then lets see who's right.
Link to the best review you'll read.

Fear Incites Video Games

Ok, ok....ok. What the crap people?

We all know Raptors created the swine flu pandemic to divert our attention! Why do we have to make video-games about it and just give in the raptors?!

Play at your own risk. I hear if you lose, men in white coats come and inject you with the H1N1 virus.

War Statisitics

I always loved this and wanted to post this to blow your (the reader's) mind!

Death Count during WW2:

Hiroshima= 71, 379

Tokyo Raid= 83, 793

Dresden Fire Bomb Raid= 135,000

Are atomic weapons the worst thing imaginable? These statistics say no, but current advances in atomic weapons development probably will destroy those numbers when used.

Now look at this:

Reported Raptor Raids: 235, 000 counted deaths

During WW2! That's counted people! We all know raptors are extremely smart and cunning....I wouldn't hold it against them if they influenced any of the raids posted above.....

Did you know that half of the Rough Riders were raptors? Roosevelt even knew this, but their combat efficiency was unmatched and he needed "people" that could help with his bloody conquests.

Think about it......

Introduction to a Disturbed World

Hello sunshine! The earth says hello! Let me introduce myself, I am your local lithian lord with the label of "Alex" and this is my blag. I am here to spread my ideals and knowledge to the world (not china) in hopes of a better tomorrow. I shall fill these infinite pages with infinite rants of infinite codes of binary for your enjoyment. I am like a comedian, I sit here going on for however long I please, but if you say one word you get kicked the hell out. (not really, feel free to comment).

Now as the title describes, I am against raptors (not the team). If there are any raptors reading this, it is nothing personal. I am not a racist by any means (just learn our language) as I have a very good friend that is a raptor. Sure, I didn't know at of lizardmen and extreme knowledge of raptors should have been a dead giveaway...but in the end I saw through her scheme. The nay-saying of all my ideas was a major giveaway.

But please know this raptors, I'm going to kill you all sorts of dead. Now I am no civil servant...I am just a blogger. So I am free to do as I please. Sure, we could have been friends, but the mauling really killed the bond. I guess there are worse things, but mauled to death is still extremely low on my list. Plus you are working with polar bears....but that's for another blog.

"Talking to a mute is like playing 20-question without an answer at the end."

I'll add more as things pop into my head, but for now just sit back and let that knowledge soak-in.